2019: Muo For President!
By Ik Muo
The deluge of promises continues…
- Under my government, the CBN shall no longer sell forex to the general public. All the available forex shall be used to settle our foreign debts and pay the contractors. People will however be free ( as they have always been) to buy and sell forex from anywhere to anybody like any other commodity in the open market without any documentations.
To raise extra funds for contracts, all “419”, money laundering and illicit drug deals shall be legalized and taxed at a special rate of 60%. This is also in line with my philosophy that anything a person does to earn a living will be legalized even if it is against the interest of the rest of the society.
- The present hot weather in all parts of the country will be taken care of by nuclear scientists from Japan who will convert the whole country into one big compound and install solar-powered air-conditioning system. Provision will be made for us to source rainfall from the ocean and let in sunshine anytime we want.
For students, the art of demonstration shall be taught in all universities and there will be provision for it in the academic calendar –there should be time for demonstration every year and it shall be compulsory! They shall be free to form any type of society they wish and examination malpractices shall be legalized . For lecturers, indefinite, total and comprehensive strikes shall be allowed.
- The women, shall be moved from the other room to the main room and there shall be free dresses, cosmetics and jewelries for all. All kitchens shall be air-conditioned and there will be one year maternity leave with pay in addition to child delivery allowances.
They will be free to marry more than one husband-after all, men marry many wives- and wherever there is a divorce, the husband shall leave the house and all the properties for the wife. All this will help to restore the dignity of women.
- Each town with a population of up to 10,000 will become a local government area while each local government as now constituted shall become a state. There will be no speed limit for commercial vehicles which will be free to overload, over-speed and overtake as they like.
Consequently, the Federal Road Safety Corps will be no more since it has no job under the new dispensation. Pen and armed robbers will be registered and licensed to operate while road blocks will be allowed every one kilometer and wetin u carry will be legalized. Customs department will be disbanded so that smuggling will be professionalized.
- Furthermore, in order to respect the sensibilities of our numerous deeply religious citizens, there will be 3 public holidays monthly, each for Christians, Moslems and other religious groups. This will enable them to interact freely and fully with their creators in their own ways. They shall use the public holidays to organize their own riots, to showcase the greatness of their respective makers. The separate days will ensure that the riots are peaceful. Vote-buying, last minute defections and the reign of godfathers shall be legalized and officially promoted
- I have heard of the unfortunate experiences of Zambia in the hands of China, the greatest father Christmas of all times. That notwithstanding, we shall continue with our limitless borrowings from China. Nigeria is not Zambia and China cannot treat us as they treated Zambia. The only thing I plead with my compatriots is that they should not ask questions as to the conditions for the loan, how the loan is utilized or the size of the debts stock.
Fellow Nigerians, the above policies are a result of painstaking research that lasted one whole day. They are viable and will put Nigeria in the forefront of politically stable and economically prosperous nations. This is an era of minimal government and we want to pursue it to the logical conclusion.
Workers who may lose their jobs as a result of these revolutionary policies and programmes will find ample opportunities in the private sector, which will receive a boost under the contractocracy ideology.
Those who cannot make it will be deported to other countries since my government will not condone paupers, especially, self-inflicted ones. As you can see, I have taken care of all segments of the society, which is an indication of my concern, care and vision.
This is the first and last you will be hearing from me until the voting day. You are advised to get in touch with the members of my campaign team for further clarifications if and when necessary. When (not if) I ascend the throne, all elections will be inconclusive so that I will be in office ad infinitum.
Muo for president! Everything is possible! Vote for me and your woes will be over!
* Adapted and updated from my archives. The original version appeared during the days of Babangida’s maradonic transition and published in Nigerian Tribune,13/4/92,p5. The second version was published in BusinessDay on 22/2/06. Compare what happened then( 1992), with what has happened since then, and what is happening now.
On 9/1/15, PMB was conferred with the title of Ogbuagu ( the lion killer) of Aba. Of course, we all know the individual and organizational lions he has killed in Aba since then.
Recently (14/9/18), he became the`Menedolenu’ of Ogoni,( the king that does good things for his people) as conferred by His Royal Majesty, King G.N.K Gininwa in appreciation of his wonderful performance in Ogoni land and special relationship with Ogoni people, Niger Delta and Nigeria as a whole.
The link between 2015 and 2018 is that they are both election periods and while he had to go to Aba for the first title, in this instance the Ogonis relocated their ancestral and royal appurtenances to Aso Rock.
Rotimi Amaechi has also assured us that once we return Buhari to power next year, we shall have 24-hour power supply He has suddenly found his voice and had taken over the duties of Fashola.
Ibe Kachikwu has also promised that all refineries will be fully operational by the end of 2019.
IBB has just endorsed Tambuwal for 2019, just as he had endorsed all other Presidential aspirants who paid homage in his court.
The Osun election was declared inconclusive and just before he returned to his base (he runs Nigeria from abroad) PMB approved the release of N22 billion ‘to ASUU’.
When did ASUU become an official organ ( MDA) of the Federal Government, receiving direct allocations from Abuja?
Anyway, I am awaiting my share. Pastor Kumuyi recently visited PMB, and assured him of his prayers;
Kenneth Andy Okonkwo was screened out of APC primaries in Enugu but he was luckier than Orji Uzor Kalu, whose name was missing in the Abia APC register!
Prof Utomi was still on his way to the venue of the primary when the result was announced;
In Imo APC, the primary was declared legal and illegal by the same mouth.
While there were parallel, vertical and horizontal primaries across the land, the court has ordered the Ogun PDP to ONLY submit Kashamu’s list.
All these news items are indicators of what is happening and will continue to happen in the Nigerian Political Exchange (NPE).
Unlike the Nigerian Stock Exchange where the bears are rampaging unchallenged, the bulls will dominate the NPE, and this trend will be sustained by the following products: inconclusive elections, political alliances, defections, promises, primaries, chieftaincy titles, well-packaged lies, vote-buying and endorsements (by lords temporal and spiritual, and godfathers, including those who have expired).
Before long, the election tribunals markets will pick up. Nigeria, we hail thee! ( completed, 2/10/18)
Ik Muo, PhD. Department of Business Administration, OOU, Ago-Iwoye; 08033026625; firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com