What’s sex got to do with love?

Chioma Gabriel– Vauguard

sex and loveUme picture from Sun News


Some married women sometimes may not understand if sex is to be endured or enjoyed. In a situation where the husband is the only one enjoying sex and the wife is suffering it, something is really wrong. I’m talking about women who after being in  marital  relationships  for years, have never experienced satisfaction in their sex lives.  They have never reached orgasm and they pretend all the way  in a bid to make ‘oga’ feel he is man enough. They bury  their own interests  just to satisfy the master but they are dying in secret because they have a deep need or hunger that is crying out for satisfaction. Jennifer, an acquaintance shares her experience.

Sex with my husband is just a physical thing: Jennifer, 28.

Patrick and I have been married for four years and we have two kids. That is the number we planned to have but my husband thinks  we will  need a little girl in future because our two kids are both boys.We are comfortable financially.I have a good job in an oil-serving firm and my husband is a banker. He is also still young and agile. My job keeps me away from home on several occasions and my husband works late too. Our boys alternate between staying with either my parents or his because both our parents live in the same neighbourhood. Our families have known each other for years. I have known Patrick since I was a kid and we visited each other’s home as toddlers.

But we later grew away from each other. I lived in the boarding house throughout and then got admission into the university. Patrick graduated the year I entered the university. And he had a track record with the girls. I knew most of his girlfriends and witnessed most of their fights during holidays. On many occasions, he used his younger sister and I to escape the wrath of his girlfriends. Whenever he had one already in the house, he would ask us to wait outside and tell the others that he was not in the house. When he had interest in a particular girl and didn’t know how to acquaint himself with her, he would send Lori and I to befriend the girl and invite her to the house.

I never imagined that anything would make Patrick and I  to end up as husband and wife because there was no sexual rapour between us.

 Things however changed when I finished my NYSC and got a job in an oil-servicing company. Patrick saw me a year after I started work and screamed that I’d become a very beautiful lady.That day, I was in the company of a male colleague who also doubled as my toaster and he played a fast one on the guy and rattled him. He behaved as if he was my elder brother and told off the guy. The next time he saw me in the company of another guy, he attacked the guy verbally for hanging around his fiancee and I thought he was being protective because of the long relationship between our families. But the story was soon all over the neighbourhood that Patrick and I were getting married. And without asking our opinions, our parents gave their blessings.

I made desperate attempts to explain but our parents said whatever I thought was misconstrued was a divine intention. Patrick is a great looker! I am equally great in the area of looks and so, we began our journey to matrimony.
But I soon realised that everything seems to centre on sex because it is like food to him. He can go on and on  and initially, I thought it was cool and my friends envied me. But I soon realised that I always had sores in my private part  due to too much sex. I was over sexed.

Gradually, my interest in sex began to wane. I always thanked God during my menstrual period because it was always a period of respite for me. But my husband soon developed a strange appetite for sex even during my menses. I had no hiding place except on occasions  I travelled out of town.

Recently, I’d had time to deliberate on my relationship with my husband and it still seems sex-centred. Perhaps, because we have never had a major challenge, everything seems to be centered around sex and it wearies me. I think my man and I need something to bond us stronger besides sex because even though I cannot prove it, I’m aware that Patrick still has girlfriends out there with whom he’s having sex.

Truly, something makes me uncomfortable and that is the fact that there is no serious bond between my husband and I. I don’t know anything he holds sacred. There is nothing I can call our secret and sex is not something that one could hold on to. I want something beyond sex, something more tangible because all these talks about sex has not really bonded Patrick and I. We never discussed love. All we have is sex. Outside sex and our children, we could as well be siblings. We hardly have time to quarrel.Our children are okay, living with their grand-parents who are wealthy enough to take care of things and are having fun with their grand-children.

I’m  feeling that something is missing. Money may not be our problem but we need something more than money and whenever I raise that, Patrick would say there is nothing to worry about and the next minute… I need something stronger than sex. I need something really bonding and I think we have not got it yet.

 Ire-Akari Estate, Lagos.