Elombah
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My new Audio Accidental Chieftaincy Title

One of the fallouts out of 2019 meeting Umunna was that I accidentally took an audio chieftaincy title. And if you have not read the minutes of that meeting yet, please rush now to www.peterobidike.com to update yourself lest you fall short and be fined come meeting Umunna 2020.

My new chieftaincy is audio because it is only in voice mail that you will hear it and it is location bound. It is accidental because it was a product of research and not planned just like our “Accidental Public Servant” by El Rufai.

So it happened that one thing led to another and I found myself in a situation that warranted my travelling from my village to my base in Port Harcourt and then back again to the village for a traditional wedding event. Given the traditional setting of the event, I decided to wear “Ishi Agu”, a traditional attire of the Igbos. In fact that combination was not entirely Igbos because the cap was a South-South cap and not the red one for titled men. It turns out that I made a discovery without knowing it. Surprisingly none of the police check points stopped me on my way. This is a road I counted 26 check points within a distance of 41 kilometres between my house and the boundary into Imo state. Good morning “young chief” one officer greeted me as I smiled, greeted him back and drove past. One road safety officer said “I am not stopping you oh, just wanted to greet you” as he waved at me. This was even as I had forgotten that I had taken on an audio accidental chieftaincy title. I was surprised at the road safety officers behaviour and it was later that I reflected and realized what had happened; I had become a tiled man without recognizing it!

As a validation of the discovery, I wore the same dress the next week on the same route. My brothers and sisters; my discovery checked out! When my cousin noticed I wore the same dress as I wore the previous week, she was concerned. When I explained the reason for the miracle dress, she smiled but still insisted that in that case I should be ready to change the dress once we get to the village since the miracle dress would have done its work on the road by then. I laughed and asked her whether it mattered that I put on the same dress in a consecutive week? Whether it will cause the price of Garri to come down in the market? Or whether Sambisa forest will recognise I wore the same dress? I insisted that after all I was not a celebrity “then” as I hear they are averse to such repetition of dresses.

Having confirmed this discovery, it added to my list of tricks through Port Harcourt Owerri road. Interestingly, when I mentioned it to a couple of friends, one confirmed he had discovered it long ago and have been using the damn trick without letting anyone know. Anyway, since he didn’t share, he cannot claim to the discovery as I have patented the trick and he cannot claim copyright since he did not put it in a “tangible form” as required by copyright. You must have read about my other tricks which include getting my girl friend to drive. This one is a master trick, trust me. And if you don’t have a girl friend, you can borrow one. If that eludes you, then look out for and follow a convoy, but you have to be ready to match their speed! Sometimes they look like they are going to hell, but if you are skilled enough you can follow them bumper to bumper and avoid those necessary but annoying road blocks. If that fails, try packing a carton of bottled water. This one got me smiling and laughing one day as I saw this guy ahead of me offering bottled water at each check point. Like he knew they always ask for water, so he brought water along for distribution to our friends. If water distribution does not work, then use your imagination and think of what will work for you and most especially make sure all your papers are correct including your car colour!

For now I will stick to my most recent discovery as I reflect on the most appropriate title to go with it. I am leaning towards “Eze gburugburu 1 of Nigerian road”

 

Obidike Peter wrote from www.peterobidike.com and p_obidike@yahoo.com

Saturday 25th January, 2020.

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