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The Man We Are: The Fairy tale marriage

Chinedu Hardy Nwadike

I know it is really going to be an unusual thing writing about men who are supposed to be ruling the world. Yet a step that is worth taking based on the fact that even doctors still fall sick.

In this series ‘The man we are’, I will be dealing with issues that concern men ranging from physical, spiritual, emotional, economical and all of them that you can ever think of.

‘The man we are’ is just like every man that lives, and if today’s topic has nothing to do with you, tomorrow’s or the next certainly will; I promise you that. So now let’s hit the road, running. 

Marriage in recent times has become something that is usually thrown to a lady as a surprise and just like in the movies and books where mind-blowing proposals are pulled off; I believe it should be that way.

Even though it might not be a wonderful idea trying to infiltrate the world, especially Africa with my so called western and fairy tale ideas, I still think every marriage should have one fairy tale moment that parents would have to share for as long as they live.

Married people will think this has nothing to do with them but there are just few things I would want us to look at this moment.

How did you meet your spouse? 

If you are still in the single league, the question should be how are you going to meet your spouse?

Before 2005, I would be mentioning church, market, street, wedding ceremonies, bus and even burial ceremonies. People just meet people but I can still pretend that I don’t know that people are still arranged to meet people.

So, did you meet your spouse or was it an arrangement by your parents, friends, church elders or minister? Now that’s the holy arrangement and I am so sorry if this is hurting anyone in any way.

In 2015, which is our time, social media hookups are the order of the day and whether we like it or not, it is working. I have actually lost counts of wedding Saturdays that failed to give credit to the owner of Facebook for connecting them and that is never a problem because Mark Zuckerberg is never bothered.

What were the first offers you made? 

Wedding proposals are like death and birth; you can never experience it twice, no matter how good you think you are. No way! If you approached her in the name of marriage which makes her see you as a suitor and not the ordinary love seeking guy on the street, sorry brother, you have lost the magic. If she says yes, just have it in mind that she took your ring spiritually that day and any other ring giving day [which I will not accept as proposal day], is just to make her friends know that she is engaged.

If your wife has been arranged by your parents, pastor or agent, your case is higher because you will be getting a programmed lady. From the first day you would be meeting her, she would simply be acting like a wife and you know what they say in Igbo language, “di wu ndidi” [marriage is endurance]. She starts enduring all your crappy attitude, and believe it or not, it is more like living an American dream. You have to put up with any crap until you get to the top.

Did you ever propose to her?

If you asked your wife out on day one with marriage proposal, put your hand down! If you had her as a friend and on a day she least expected it, you presented a ring which blew her mind and she said yes, just put a smile on your face because you have that fairy tale marriage in your home and someday, you will have to tell this tale of love to your children, friends and so on.

Did she change?

Imagine a love story starting with “I got a text message from my pastor saying, he has found a perfect wife for me”. That is pretty romantic and that’s why your pastor or the arranger will never sleep every night, because s/he will be praying that your union works, lest you blame him/her for your marital misfortunes. 

It is so funny when people who met in July marry in September and by December you hear one of them talking about the other person changing. Why won’t they change?

When church marriage committees are more concerned with swelling their membership with marriages and all they tell you is to learn to love each other as if love is the only thing people need to be together. Matchmakers are also concerned with their commissions, so no matter what you say after, God has answered someone’s “give us our daily bread” prayer through you.

Cat and dog can be in love, but that does not mean they are meant to be together. Your partner never changed, you just didn’t know her too well. The arranger knew her, but you have her now so deal with your package.

Who is dating everybody?

Practically, all single guys usually have someone they always want to stick to and it is even same for those who say they are not in for dating but marriage. Every single male or female fall in the same line and at night, you watch a sister hang on to her phone, chatting and answering calls like customer care service representative, while the brothers keep calling as if their lines are faulty.

We are practically coming to where about 70 percent of the weddings taking place every Saturday are arranged and I just wonder who is dating everyone that is claiming they are in relationships. 

Relationships have suddenly become what we use in passing time, learn how to treat a lady and stuffs like that. No one is usually in it to have a friend. It used to be friendship way back, when our parents ran around mango trees and today it is called relationships because we will probably want sex on day one and the lady might want you to pay for her hair on day two as if you were just sent by God to pay her bills.

Come on people, where is the fun of it? We call the shots guys so let’s get back to the era of friendship, at least there are still many good things we can emulate from the days of our parents.

Dating frustrations 

Have you ever seen a guy saying he is tired of dating and just wants to get married? The fact is that he is just being stupid. How can you walk out on someone you have known for two years to marry someone you just met on Facebook? That is pathetic. 

Single men usually use this to elevate their status, saying “I’m not in for dating; I just need someone to marry”. Oh my dear ladies, who is going to marry all the ladies he previous dated. You are just going to be his last test tube for the marriage experiment. It is not my problem because I have also realized that ladies prefer suitors to boyfriends. Clueless!

Now, the missing fairy tale

I still stand to be corrected, but I don’t think day one or week one marriage proposals makes us tough. It is a sign of frustration. I’m trying to be as courageous as I can here, but it’s a sign that most of us just want to hurry and flood Facebook with our wedding pictures on any given Saturday. 

There is supposed to be some clueless moment with a lady. Give her time to show her real self and not programme her as a wife with your quick proposal. Bring the fun back; take your time to know if you really want that, unless you will never know what you want, you can then let people around you press your remote control.

One thing is certain, they can help in planning the wedding, but the marriage will always be between you and whosoever they have chosen for you. If you fall into the category of people who require assistant husbands to make their marriages work, you will be on your own.

Let’s rock it next time, you are the man we are; all of us.

With Chinedu Hardy Nwadike, Chikisnow@yahoo.com | 08038704454 | Facebook/Twitter/Instagram: HardyNwa | BBM: 56226EE1

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